Dear Auntie Siobhan: A Student's Mother Won't Get Off My Back
Published July 26, 2009 @ 05:51AM PT
Dear Auntie Siobhan:
I'd like some advice about how to deal with a persistent parent.
I am teaching a summer college course. Halfway through the summer term, a student - let's call her Nasreen - fell ill and could not write the midterm in-class essay. Her mother contacted me four times that day, expressing concern about how this could be worked out. Long story short: that situation was sorted, and Nasreen made up her midterm the following week.
Following this episode, her mother contacted me again and insisted on coming to see me to thank me for being so kind to her daughter. I explained that it was not necessary, and that she needn't go to the trouble. She showed up at my office bearing gifts (coffee and croissants), which I tried, in vain, to refuse. In any case, I explained to her quite clearly that, because her daughter is over 18, I could not speak to her about Nasreen's grades or class work, and that she had placed me in a very uncomfortable position by bringing me a "thank you" gift, however small. She apologised and promised not to bother me again.
Nasreen is a weak student who has not been pulling her weight all semester. Thus far, she is failing the course. She has missed all kinds of class work, quizzes and generally, has done poorly on whatever she has handed in. She has not asked for extra help, nor has she suggested that any extenuating circumstances have been affecting her performance.
Last night, Nasreen contacted me via our online class message system to ask "what she needed on the final essay" in order to pass the course because she needs it to graduate. I gave her the breakdown of what marks were left in the course, and instructed her to consult the online summary of her grades, which tallies and averages her marks so far. I also mentioned that based on her performance thus far in the course, her chances were not great (but not impossible). I told her to come and see me during my office hours to discuss things further.
This brings us to today, when her mother contacted me again. The mother left me a message, pleading for me to call her back because "she has something to tell me."
I have no intention of phoning this woman back, or ever speaking to her again. I feel like I'm being manipulated, and I also feel that this woman will try to use her "thank you gift" against me in some way. I do not want to get caught up in any of this, but I also think that I need to protect myself.
Please send me your thoughts, advice, suggestions.
Irritated by Helicopters
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Dear Irritated:
I feel for primary and high school teachers, who often say their most difficult interactions are not with students, colleagues or administrators, but with parents. There are obviously many advantages to interacting with parents who are concerned about their children's success, but, as your problem illustrates, there are drawbacks.
As college teachers, you and I rarely have to deal with parents. What's more, as you point out, we can't legally reveal any information about our students to their parents if the students are over the age of majority. (Things become fuzzy with those of our students who are not, but the question doesn't often arise, at least in my experience; over my years of teaching college, I've received only a handful of communiques from parents.)
Where the gift is concerned, there may be a cultural issue. I lived in Japan for a couple of years, where a thank-you gift would have been de rigeur in a situation like yours. If Nasreen's mother is a recent immigrant from another country, your insistence that a gift was unnecessary might have sounded like simple politeness, not a true refusal. So the gift itself might not be a symptom of anything more than genuine gratitude.
Nevertheless, your obligations here are clear. It's admirable that the mother is concerned, but you've already told her that you can't communicate with her about Nasreen and her problems. If Nasreen chooses to show up at your office with her mother in tow, that's a different situation, but so far, that's not what has happened.
I would contact an administrator, perhaps your dean, about this situation immediately, forwarding the information you've sent to me, in order to document what's going on in case this mother becomes even more troublesome. (I believe that a dean is entitled to access any of this student's information, but you might want to ask him/her what you need to keep to yourself before sharing the details of the student's performance.)
I would then address the situation with Nasreen, emphasizing that you're willing to discuss any personal issues with her if she feels they're interfering with her schoolwork, but that if her mother is going to be involved in these discussions, it might also be appropriate to have the dean present, in order to make sure that all legal and personal boundaries are respected.
The goal here is not to shut out a concerned parent. I've been known to respond to parental inquiries, even with over-age students, by simply outlining school and classroom policies and other things that are matters of public record, without revealing any of the student's personal information. In this case, though, you've drawn the lines clearly and the mother has crossed them again, rather than encouraging her daughter to engage with you directly. So I think you need backup.
I have a sense that even if you take these further measures, this mother may persist in communicating with you as long as her daughter is your student. Your only choice will be to stand firm and to make sure you've covered all your bases. You may eventually need pass the problem to someone higher up and make it theirs.
Good luck!
*
Big thanks to Clay Burell for asking me to guest post this week. "Dear Auntie Siobhan" will be a continued, if irregular, feature on my home blog, Classroom as Microcosm, so if you still have teaching concerns and would like to see them discussed, visit my blog or contact me at siobhancurious@gmail.com.
Image by Kriss Szkurlatowski
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Comments (4)
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Author
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Siobham is a writer, blogger and educator. She teaches English language and literature at a CEGEP (college of general and professional education) in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
I enjoyed reading this -- clearly a difficult situation and one that received a well-thought out answer. I do not know for sure if the mother here is an immigrant parent who is unfamiliar with the customs and culture of the American education system, or whether she is a non-immigrant parent who is still unaware, simply from never having known or understood. The organization Parents for Public Schools works to educate parents about the educational system, how schools work, and how to effectively communicate with educators. Clearly, this parent needed that kind of help, and if she had had it, she might not be acting in inappropriate ways that actually hinder rather than help her daughter. We all need to remember what a critical role parents play in the educational journey of their children and how important it is to help them get it right.
Posted by Anne Foster on 07/28/2009 @ 10:35AM PT
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I live in WV and within the last five years we have been working to put all grades onto the computer for students. We use something called "Edline". The parents can access the computer with their password and view their children's grades and assignments. If you live in a small area maybe there could be one computer terminal that folks could access. We have also, worked on funding in this state to place computers into the hands of children who are in high school. I am an educator. Even with grades on the computer you need to have conversations with teachers of your children. Sometimes children act up in classes. Sometimes hormones are out of control. This is not a perfect world and things that effect children at home carry over into the schools. Religious beliefs that you have at home are not observed in the public schools. It is important that schools also offer nights that the parents can come and work with their children. We sometimes have math and science nights with activities planned that promote interaction between parents and children. This gives the parent a close look at what is being taught at their child's level. Parents are also, invited to come into the school system and observe if they feel it is needed.
Posted by Lynn Morris on 07/31/2009 @ 07:40AM PT
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I wanted to add to the comments above. Even if a student is in college he/she is still young. Today children depend on their parents even more because there are no jobs. I have four children, three college graduates. Two of my children are engineers. One daughter suffered with breast cancer. She always, struggled in her (high school/college years). Young adults do need help and who can help them better than teachers? I can remember my own college years. I wasn't finished growing. There were many tears and frustrations. These should be happy years. Maybe you should take this child under your wing and help her. I know educators aren't paid much but, I can't leave school when it is over. I spend hours and hours at school, even have a key.
When you get older you look at your life and education becomes your way of giving of yourself. We spend nights thinking about children who can't learn. She is obviously already on your mind. Why don't you offer her some time in your life while you help her get through all of this? I teach kindergarten and tutor special children every evening. When you have them one on one you can see things in a different light. I know your problem is with the parent but, consider taking this situation on. As teachers we give and give and our rewards are the product which comes years later. You could be a guiding force for this child. You could end up helping the parent tremendously, also.
Posted by Lynn Morris on 07/31/2009 @ 08:04AM PT
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I have been here a few times. More often in K-12 I am concerned with parents who do not care how their children are doing. And one incident which I learned about frightens me. The boy's father whips him if he comes home with an average or poor grade. Maybe he was goofing off a bit or didn't concentrate as much. After learning this, I made sure the student got a "smiiie, not a straight face or frown each day.
In college I was strict on meeting time deadlines. In one class, a best student tried me. Most of the other students looked wiped
out as if some had written the paper the early morning before.
One student came into my office at 10:05 to submit her paper. I could not accept it. The class ended at 9:50 and new classes began at 10. Had she brought it in during the transition, I could have accepted it without question. But now I had to tell her the paper was late, unaccepted and she failed the course. To say the least, there was some consternation by her family. Her boy friend begged me. Her mother cried and begged me to reconsiderf . I was told the girl was contemplating committing suicide. Strong stuff. Yet this student would not be that stupid. Also she had her boyfriend's support as well as her parents.
On the other hand the word got out. Some students did not turn in the best work. But they met the time deadline. I could not make an exception. However, if she alone had approached me, rather than rallying friends/family, the reference to suicide threat would have been handled different.
Another student was superb in writing papers. She got extreme test anxiety and would not take any exams. So, she failed my clAsses twice and I mentioned this to a few college counselors.
The student is failing. So is the mother. If the student doesn't learn now, then when? When a few students received a "C" they were shocked, stunned and very upset No one does A work all the time. I was the first to record reality.
I hope you stick to your guns but also mention this to the department head or administrator above you, following the chain. A counselor might be available. She seems to need help. But her needs are not to be mistaken for poor performance in your class. The "F" and support will do her better than a C. Hopefully the mother will complain to the dean so pressure can be removed.
You are not alone. Many others have gone through this. Yet any time one encounters a similiar case there can be anxiety, stress, pressure etc. Discuss it with peers: others who understand. Many will not understand and just reassure you. Guide each other through the situation.
Alan D. Kardoff, Ed.D.
Posted by Alan Kardoff on 07/31/2009 @ 02:46PM PT
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